Wise Words:
When life gives you lemons -- PUCKER UP!
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Thursday, May 30, 2002
oh yes -- what you all have been waiting for:
List of CDs I wanna get
* Dashboard Confessional, The Swiss Army Romance: whoever gets this for me will have my adoration and affection. For at least an hour.
* Jimmy Eat World, Bleed American: See above. Although I’d prefer to have the pre-911 version with the Bleed American title printed on the cover, I guess I’d be happy to get the re-titled version (self-titled).
* Natalie Merchant, Motherland: I love what Natalie does. Sad to say I don’t know what she’s up to lately.
* Linkin Park, Hybrid Theory: Good head-bangin’ stuff. Equally good to piss parents off with.
* Caedmon’s Call – I’ve got 40 Acres and My Calm // Your Storm, but anything else would be most welcome. A-men!
17:51
Yes, people, I’m updating again! After updating just yesterday too! I finally got control of the phone line since my parents left the house before I finished with my own errands, so I came back to find the house nice and quiet.
I finally stopped by Mail Boxes Etc to send Marco Polo back to Schirmer. It’s difficult parting with such a beautiful score (though I made a copy of the entire thing for possible future research – sh! Don’t let Schirmer know). It was really funny how the girl behind the counter packed it up – she stuck the whole score in a huge box about 4 inches deep and filled up the remaining 3 inches with peanuts. I told her it was possible to take a piece of cardboard and wrap it around the score, cuz that’s what Schirmer seemed to have done… but I’m sure the people in the Rental Performance Dept will be happy to receive a box full of peanuts.
What she did with Lynn’s box was also funny—I was expecting her to stick the shoebox I brought in into another cardboard box, but instead she just taped up that shoebox tight and slapped the tracking tag right onto the lid.
After MBE I stopped by the library, for after a week of being home I needed to partake in some free, fast webaction. I also wanted to surf the net for some free sheet music of Poulenc, but sadly after about an hour of searching I found nil. I did print out a copy of Joplin’s Maple Leaf Rag – this house’ll be ragging real soon. I also wanted to check out the media section of the library; only been there once and I didn’t really get a good look at it then. I was mucho pleased to find that they too own a copy of Symphony 1997 and even some Caedmon’s Call stuff, 40 Acres and an earlier one (self-titled, with “Lead of Love”). I forgot my card but I am ready to head back and check out that Khachaturian violin concerto recording they’ve got.
17:46
PS-- Elvisette, you're gonna love your present.
01:56
another year gone by
I've been wanting to post earlier. Or maybe it's just that same ol' internet craving I've been feeling for days-- weeks?-- now. But considering that my blog audience is now to a gargantuan TWO PEOPLE (maybe three or four)... I can put it off, yes?
We celebrated that ALL-IMPORTANT DAY on Monday (does anybody, anybody out there AT ALL know what it is?). My parents took me to Outback Steakhouse (it's one of the fanciest places in town -- no joke) and I enjoyed ordering a beer with the woman asking to see my ID. My parents tell me I look more 18 than 22, but at least I still look old enough to buy cigarettes, right? The prime rib was yummy, although I was close to ordering the ribs (my brother got them once and they weren't bad, just a little too spicy). I really wanted a Sydney's Sinful Sundae to top it all off but decided to lay back for fear of gaining those dreaded Extra Pounds. Gotta love that coconut-rolled vanilla, though.
After dinner my parents took me to granny's to receive presents, for both Special Day and grad. It's been literally years since I've seen my grandmother. I don't mind her all that much, but she makes me very uncomfortable to be around. The poor woman's nearly a century old -- at least four times older than I am -- but she's really strong. Especially considering that she lives alone in an apartment, gets all her groceries herself by crossing the busy main street to the supermarket, takes all her trash downstairs to the dumpster, does practically everything herself -- I've got a good, strong future ahead of me... I hope. She's nearly a foot shorter than me, but that makes her all the cooler because I love to look at her milk-white hair. It cracks me up (as does her height). Somehow she's pissed off my parents in the past (who hasn't?), so my parents aren't terribly comfortable around her either. I'd love to sit and talk with the woman, to learn about my family's past, about what she and my dad's generation had to go through during World War II, about my grandfather (he died before I got to know him)... But then again, there's the language barrier. Sure, I know enough Chinese to make believe that I can read a menu, and sure, I can have a decent conversation, but those proverbs that she spouts at me can be damn intimidating. I just chuckle, as though I understand what she says (most times I do not). The woman lives in a different era than I do, really. But wisdom abounds in her.
Anyway. Usually by this point in my summer vacation I would've:
* finished reading (or rereading) something(s) from my personal library;
* finished playing and beaten some Nintendo (RPGs, 16-bit style)
* pissed off my parents
and, so far, I've only succeeded in the last. I must say, though, that you can see approximately 1.5 square feet more of my bedroom floor. And I'm done unpacking. Aren't you all proud?
I've made some serious cash graduating (wow, people out there actually give a sh*t about me!), so I'm thinking about putting some of it in the bank. Problem is, I'm not sure whether I want to play the money market or go straight with the savings deal. I already have a checking account and that's off to a good start thanks to the DoS, but I want something else behind the vault to begin the Financial Severance from My Parents. Shall I call on the spirits of Franklin, Lincoln and Washington to guide me?
I seriously need new CDs. Anybody wanna contribute? Perhaps I should post a list to give you guys some ideas... perhaps you, too, want to celebrate this recently-past-but-not-easily-forgotten Auspicious Occasion.
01:50
Monday, May 27, 2002
Mom & G strings: not a good combo
First of all, people, let it be known that it's just sooooo freakin hard to live with a modem connection. If ever there was a reason to go back to college . . .
Enough griping. About college, though: I must be missing some of my friends there, either that or my id is just going bonkers, cuz last night I dreamt of fellow friends. It started out with Lara telling me that she'd meet up with me after my exam -- and that she'd bring M (not Mc) too. And we said we'd meet when we eat. The best part of the dream is that I didn't even dream about taking a test; the next thing I knew, I was in my car driving around downtown Sptbg. Finally I found the place where we're supposed to meet-- it looked like an Uncle Sam's from the outside but it turned out to be a Vietnamese restaurant inside. Before I went in, though, I recognized this one girl who plays piano (forgot her name but she's a big-time religious person) and as we eat Danielle Choi (the Korean girl; you can always find her playing the piano in the Union; never spoke to her, so it's weird that she appears in my dream) and I start chatting about something, I forget what. We start heading for the door, but Allison says something about how she doesn't have a meal plan anymore so she wants to take as many leftovers as she can. So then we whisk right over to where they keep the food and it turns into one of those cart-counter-deals that they had outside our dorm in Nanjing, where they've got these carts full of different food that they dish out for people who point at what they want. Except that it's not outside, it's in a mall where every shop is a food shop. I look around; I see dishes of tofu, of vegetables... then I see styrofoam boxes, and Allison reaches over and grabs a couple. She spots a panful of stir-fried noodles (chow mein, Cantonese style) and asks the woman washing the dishes if she can take them all; of course, they converse fluently and I didn’t catch a single word of what they said. So then – this is the coolest part of the dream, I think – Allison takes a pair of chopsticks; with a single swoop she lifts all the noodles out of the pan and, while, the noodles are still molded into the shape of that pan, drops them into a blue plastic bin. And then I woke up. Never got to meet M! Darn.
Didn’t I say my dreams are weird?
Lara, if you'r reading this -- hope you're having fun! Send me a postcard!
Oh, before I forget—Elvisette: you must help me:
1) remember when the SDS graduation is. I think my brother would appreciate giving his word to the ol’ Johnster.
2) find a copy of the FU alma mater, s’il vous plait – you should be able to ask a member of the music dept for it. I’ve gone borrowing-crazy.
3) if you could send me that cnn.com link about the impact of 9/11 on teen language that'd be great.
Anyhow… finally unpacked all my clothes (yes, it took a while; let us not forget how lazy I am) and have been rearranging books & things around my room. I’m devoting TWO WHOLE SHELVES to my music stuff, not just one; kinda makes sense, since I did major in the lousy subject after all. That’s not including my piano stuff; all that goes underneath the coffee table in the foyer, across from the keyboard. Need to find a places to put my scores, though.
In other music news: I found out last week that my dad has a record of “Jasmine Flower,” the song “immortalized” in Puccini’s Turandot and that Tan Dun himself quotes in his Symphony 1997. Spent a good portion of the night transcribing the song and the lyrics. My, how the fun never ends with this composer.
God, my parents annoy the hell outta me. My dad is constantly acting the weirdo—he keeps walking back and forth aimlessly. My mom has her own quirks too – she keeps talking no matter what she’s doing, just because she can’t stand being silent (or alone). Funny story involving mom: last night we were watching “College Rivalry Greed” (yeah, great entertainment in these halls)…. And one of the questions was, get this: “Which string do you find on both a violin and an exotic dancer? An A string, a D string, an E string or a G STRING?” And of course my mom didn’t know what a G string was and asked me to clarify. Now what the HELL do you say to that?
12:25
Saturday, May 25, 2002
the WHoB is back in town!
Yes, my friends, I am still alive (read: Internet access back up and running) and yes, my friends, the blog is still going strong (read: Internet access back up and running). I’m back home, been home for several days now… sure as hell beats saying that I’m back at DC. Hopefully I will never have to say that. EVER.
So… graduation weekend was a complete whirlwind of events and goings-on. It would require a helluva long post to describe what all happened… and besides, I’m using valuable websurfing minutes to get this typed up, so I’ll leave that for later. Suffice it to say now that we didn’t have Neil Young at our ceremony. Hell, if we had anyone close to that I’d actually be happy to call that damn place my alma mater.
Home has been much more relaxing—but of course my parents have already started to get on my nerves. If only I had a goddamn job! At least I wouldn’t have to live here anymore. But until then I am restricted to where I am now… the living room, right by the computer screen which is currently killing me with its ultravioletness. Other people are having such livelier summers -- Ghana, summer camps, even ITS work -- while I, on the other hand, watch Martha Stewart with my mommy.
God, how my life sucks.
17:27
Saturday, May 18, 2002
Okay, people, this may be the last one.
So.... before I do anything else, let me bid adieu, adieu adieu.
Sayonara, o WHoB!
Did I tell everybody that I got accepted into the NTP? So much has been going on I can't keep it all straight. All that I need now is some money from the dept... and that they better give me, since they SHAFTED ME ON THE CUM LAUDE.
Yes, the bruises still hurt. And yes, the wounds are still bleeding...
It's about time you made it back Lara! We missed you! And we were worried that you wouldn't make it back in time to walk the plank with us! Welcome back to Hellville! Yay!
I downloaded the last 3 Dashboard Confessional songs I could find off the net. God, I've become an Emofreak.
Oh, I should tell everybody what Lynn and I did with the DC idol a couple nights ago... hilarious!
13:23
Friday, May 17, 2002
the end of the WHoB as we know it?
well people, it's been a busy couple of days, what with all the packing and goodbye-ing. to fill you in since my last update:
First, let's talk about grades. I made a B in mus his, which is really fine with me... that's what I was expecting to make anyway. As to seminar, I got an A- in that and really thought I'd get an A for that class. I worked SO F*CKIN HARD to please that man and yet nothing is ever enough. What do we hafta do to please these freaking people????
As to comp: she's giving me a D for the course, as I think I reported earlier. And lo and behold, I checked my grades a couple days ago and there sat my D. I really wish I don't have to deal with this, but my friends keep telling me I should contest the grade -- is she grading me on the coursework or just on the issues that have surfaced? I spoke with THE DoS yesterday and he said my first plan of action should be to go to the Chair. Seeing as La Chaise usually doesn't do much anyway ("I'm the new guy, I don't know what I'm doing"), it shouldn't take much for me to go to the DoF.
So...Wednesday was the last official day of the semester for underclassmen (seniors had to finish by Mon). I had my last Commoner meal with the usual buddies RF and LB... ah, cafeteria-style gruel, how I shall miss thee! Over lunch Ross told me about issues he's had with the dept recently... according to him, his experience helps my theory "hold true" (ie, that the dept simply sucks and does everything for its own benefit, not for its students). Afterwards, the 3 of us went to the Union and donned our "I'm a nerd" garb by plopping our butts down by the "free books" boxes. We actually provoked some people to check out the wares, though, particularly underclassmen and I thought that was cool. I spent the afternoon playing pool with Lynn and Tu - I haven't played in years (actually, since I started going here) and Tu wields one mean stick. Damn, but it was a lot of fun to hang around with them.
Christy invited me to a BBQ later that night; she and her roommate (Abi?) had cooked up quite a storm: burgers, hot dogs, shish kabobs, sausages, corn on the cob, beans, some chips and dip, cantaloupe.... a very nice array indeed, and I was all the more grateful since I've been living off of less than $20 since Tues. Christy knows how much I wanted to try her cooking -- we told ourselves we would make and break bread one day this year but it never happened -- so it was nice to finally check it out.
yesterday was another pretty nice day... started out cleaning out my inbox (only 600 more messages to go, folks! then I get to start on the "sent items" folder...) then ran into Allison at lunch. Check this out, people: she's got her foot in the door to SOTHEBY'S. Yes SOTHEBY'S. She's not doing any art stuff, just helping with the budget work, but... she's still got her foot in the door. Damn. anyway, she wanted me to help her with her resume since her contact wants a new copy, so she asked me for help. So I spent some time helping her with that, then went to the library to return all my books (otherwise I'd be paying a hefty $400 fine right now)...
[tangent: if Mauro knew a) the number of books I checked out from the library, b) the amount of books and materials I read to research my composer and piece, c) the number of fuckin nickels I fed the copiers just to get my readings copied, and d) the amount of shit I had to put up with at the library... then he'd know that he ought to have given me an A. The bastard.]
Yesterday was also the last day of the bookstore sale-- 25% off general books. Add to that the half off sale of some used books and you've got yourself one happy bookworm. :) I bough a couple books on China, an Arthur Miller play and The Magic Mountain -- all for 75% off! Great finds, really.
Went to dinner with Ross and one of his alummy friends yesterday. Quite entertaining people, I must say. We went to Lotus and I must say it reminded me of past lives. :) Later that night I took Lynn to get eggs at the store... trivial, I know, but I wanted to spend every waking moment with my friends, since I might not see them ever again. And we had a good time at the store.
And now, today thus far: still cleaning out inbox, have packed up most of the books in my room (FIVE boxes full, still one needing to be crammed shut), paid library fines (and I actually didn't have any!), turned in PO box key, and finally got my Colin Mcphee CD in the mail. I made a quick listen-through with it; it's great condition-wise, basically brand new; the recordings aren't the best though (I disagree with some tempos).
So there's the update. Now as to the headline of this post:
I don't know if the WHoB shall continue past Sunday (graduation)... I could easily buy internet access at home, but there's no convenient place by a phone jack where I can leave this mammoth of a desktop. Before my laptop went caput I used to carry it from my room to the living room desk, where I could reach the phone line nice & easy; we have so much crap sitting there nowadays I doubt I put it there. Back when my brother lived at home he had his computer in his room and just went across the hall to use my mom's jack; there ain't no jack near my room at all.
So, we may be nearing the end, folks. Not to say this IS the end... there is the possibility of going to the library to update... as long as they haven't blocked any blogging on their computers....
does everyone have my new addy? if not, you should be recieving an email from me soon about how to e-reach me in the future.
possibly my last post.... *sigh*
I'll most likely post tomorrow, so don't give up hope yet!
15:16
Tuesday, May 14, 2002
got tickets for Prez Supper...
10 minutes, $18 and some butt-kissing
turned in time sheet...
5 minutes, kissing MAJOR ass to the DoS
2 more steps closer to getting the fuck outta here...
*priceless*
The end of the semester is actually quite nice, and I'm not saying that just because I have nothing better to do. What I particularly like is the book buyback plan, because if people can't sell their books they're too lazy to take them back to their room or simply too uncaring to hold on to them, so they just plop them in front of the counter. Being the obnoxiously nerdy bookworm that I am, I've been rummaging through those "free books!" boxes at least daily, and I've come up with some great finds. Forgive my lack of caps; it'll take simply too much effort from me:
a hardly-used course reader for the Music of Brazil class
a clean course reader for the logic course
The Significance of Monuments: on the shaping of human experience in Neolithic & Bronze Age Europe
15 poets of the aztec world (in translation... that helps, doesn't it?)
the others: how animals made us human
the challenge of third world development
consuming geographies: we are where we eat (brand new!)
frankenstein (some sophomore must hate hums)
pompeii: public and private life
the african-american odyssey, vol ii: since 1863
in the religion & spirituality department:
the practice of tranquility & insight: a guide to tibetan buddhist meditation *ACT book*
raising up a faithful priest: community and priesthood in biblical theology
a living covenant: the innovative spirit in traditional judaism
the great revival: beginnings of the bible belt
en plus, i found CLEAN copies of the cultural anthro class texts and the chinese cinema coursebooks: new chinese cinemas: forms, identities, politics and transnational chinese cinemas. ah, i love five-finger discounts (by that I mean free stuff).
i need to start cleaning out my DC email account. maybe I should publicize the email account for my post-DC lifetime: antam02@hotmail.com .... somebody (LR and PI) told me that they're going to give all us 2002ers an alumni account, but I seriously, seriously doubt I'll use it... unless the domain name is something like, "dc_fucked_me_over.com".
perhaps I should return some books to the library now. oh, and pay my 25-cent fee, ya know, cuz if I don't pay that I DON'T GET MY DIPLOMA. The freakingly stupid rules that they have here.... humph.
14:50
Well, people, it's been a lovely day so far.
I've had to run some errands (mail graduation announcements, finally; get laundry) and organized my things a bit (piano scores, seminar materials)... things are looking good.
So good, in fact, I may just go to the union and chill for a bit. I need a drink anyway.
Life is good, even without a cum laude under my belt.
00:07
Monday, May 13, 2002
*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh of relaxation*
I am done. Done.
Finished.
Over.
No more.
Finito.
Finis.
No more do I have to walk into the Cunningham Fine Arts building.
No more do I have to deal with bitchy professors, professors who could care less about you as a student and a person, professors who see you as nothing more than a bug on their shoe.
No more do I have to worry about kissing ass just to survive.
God, it feels so good to be . . . free.
Yes, free.
*ah*
16:02
I don't usually update from the computer lab, but ladies and gents, I have some special news:
in about 1 hour I will be done.
done with papers, done with readings, done with assignments.
It'll be all over.
People, I'm so excited I can barely type right now.
12:36
Sunday, May 12, 2002
An Asian night out
Geez, it feels like forever since I updated this thing, even if it's only been a day.
Yesterday was a pretty good day -- in fact, we can call it "movie day". In the afternoon I watched 2001: A Space Odyssey -- I thought Tan's quotation of Strauss might have some connection with the movie, so I asked Lerner if I could borrow his copy. I know, it's weird that the profs can be so difficult to get along with but once you do they're all nice to you. Wow: the usage of sound and silence in the movie is really...well, it gets the point across easy. I love the seen where the ape learns to use weapons..."the dawn of man".... that scene cracked me up. Philip told me later that he had seen the movie back when he was a kid and it gave him the creeps. I can see why. Hal really freaks me out -- so you better not turn on me, O Dell.
Joe got a bunch of us Asian kids (plus Mayumi's roommate Putnam :) together last night to go Vietnamese food-digesting. (He also simply needed to get off campus -- who doesn't?) We went to this place called Lang Van, at this really fucked-up intersection (where FOUR streets meet up). It was just our luck when we got there cuz the place was packed but they had one table for a large party.... we had six people all together, so we breezed by the other people in line, avoiding their glances of envy.
The food was quite good; all I wanted was pho, and that's what everyone ordered, but it was yummy nonetheless. We got some spring rolls as well, and those were just perfect, just perfect. I had my share of Saigon beer -- very sweet stuff for a beer. Quite reminiscent of honey.
After the dinner we drove over to Concord Mills and watched Panic Room -- dang, that movie is full of suspense. I didn't remember that Elvisette's beau DY was in it -- was he Raoul? In any case, I think the issue of heroism needs to be brought up. For who is the hero? Jodie Foster's character must be the protagonist, no doubt; but is she the hero? Is she the one who saves the day? I congratulate the black character myself.
I've heard about the mall several times and listened to a lot of radio commercials for it, but last night I just wasn't feeling "the Mills effect." For one thing, the mall looked really clean, really new. I would think that after a couple of years a place like that would seem a little dirty, but this place was spotless. Secondly, there were a heck of a lot of posh stores in there... I just wasn't feeling that. the people there reflected the poshness, too -- there was a bit of upper-crust bourgeoisieness to the patrons. It just didn't feel right.
After a day of doing virtually nothing, it's time for me to start (and finish) revising my seminar paper. Once I do that I will be sooooooooooooo happy, just so happy . . . This college has put me through so much crap . . . now that I think about it, it's funny that at the beginning I had social problems and no academic ones, but now it's more that the academics are at stake and my social life has been much more stable. In any case: cum laude matters not to me. And neither does the diploma.
So long as I have one, that is. ;)
14:13
Friday, May 10, 2002
One step closer to the edge
Yet another fated time has come and gone.
And this time, I don't give a shit.
Yes, I studied music history with Moose last night... we started out working in the computer lab, since it turns out that all the"stud asses" ("student assistants" would be their more normal and less glamorous titles) can study and get paid at the same time. After that we headed over to the music building to study with the rest of the class. Gripes:
1. The other people in the class. Thank GOD I don't have to see them ever again. We have some girls in the class who are so prissy it makes me cringe to think what would happen if they broke a nail.
2. The prof. He was there all night long, as he usually is every day -- but what made it worse was that around midnight he pops in with a "bonus video": a "making of" of Philip Glass' Einstein on the Beach. If there is anything more painful than watching that video . . .
3. The way that our prof pretends to be the sweetest guy ever while still screwing us over on our tests. For our final last semester, he baked brownies; this time around he swung by the Union to get us some gummy bears and chocolate covered raisins. It's so hard to approach a prof when he doesn't fall in either the "asshole" or the "nice" categories. If you can't figure 'em out, avoid 'em, right?
Usually I'm studying with Moose til 4 am or so to prepare for an exam, but this time I had to leave around 130. Not only does it seem to me that he has a good handle on the material, but after our prof showed us the Glass video he wouldn't leave the room. He pulled the videocassette out of the slot and then proceeded to go to the PIANO and he sat his ass down and started playing. And what did he play? First it was an excerpt from Einstein on the Beach, but then he got around to variations on OH SUSANNA... I just had to leave. You can't exactly kick a prof out of a room when he's being all nice and sweet, but then if he had left I probably might have stayed a tad longer to study a bit more. See what I mean about the "asshole" or "nice"?
We took the exam this afternoon. The listening portion was kinda easy -- but then again, that's what we mostly studied together last night. As to the questions: there's always a question from the reading, and I haven't cracked open a book since our last test. I also didn't cover the notes very well. The big essay question, worth 10 points, only pulled out half a paragraph out of me.
All I can say is I did my best. What does it matter whether I make a B or a C? I'm still graduating anyway. After what has happened recently, I have resolved myself to the fact that it doesn't matter what they think of me and in the long run it doesn't matter what my grades are.
What matters is that I know I am worth it.
(Who says they're worth my time writing great answers and presenting good ideas to them?)
Speaking of recent issues: I finally got around to talking to Mauro about the big issue at hand this morning. I told him what was going on, and he instantly started thinking of ways to improve the situation, even though that's not why I went to speak to him. I wanted to talk to him merely to have the story straight with him, since he's really the only prof in the department that I 1) feel comfortable around with and 2) respect. In his eyes, there's nothing he can do to help me, but of course I can always wallow in pity and bow to da bitch in her office, and that I feel I don't need to do. However, he did clarify to me what I did wrong: whereas she says I "misrepresented" my work, he says that I "withheld information" from her, which is a no-no in academia. Our talk was somewhere between a buddy-buddy talk and a student-teacher advisory meeting: he referred to instances when things he said or didn't say got him in trouble, while reminding me that "at this school blah blah blah..." One thing I noticed was that Mauro feels much more comfortable throwing around those two poisonous words, DC, much more than I ever could; he definitely came to work at the right school. You can tell he loves it here. But at least he's not being phony about it like I am.
He of course noted that there were 2 issues, the same issues that the Dean notied: there's the personal issue, with both our tempers at their stubbornest; and then there's the professional issue, the "she didn't inform me about class meetings" thing. He asked me if the grade was important to me enough to go to her and apologize to her again; I told him that it probably wouldn't do any good since her temper flares easily and just going into her office would probably ignite her sparks. On the way I had mentioned that I had considered grad school. In music? Yes. According to him, you should not go to grad school in music, and especially in music, unless you have such a passion for it that you simply can't live with yourself if you didn't otherwise. When he said that, he implied to me that he didn't get the feeling from me that I really enjoy what I do. And that's sad, that's just plain sad, because I do -- why else would I spend my ENTIRE evenings in the music library just to prepare for class? If I really didn't enjoy what I do, I wouldn't put so much strenuous into it all. If I didn't think Tan Dun is such an awesome composer, I wouldn't've spent my GODDAMN SPRING BREAK IN THE BASEMENT OF THE LIBRARY DIGGING UP ARTICLES ABOUT HIM. I know he didn't mean what he said offensively, but it disappointed me. This is a similar sentiment I had yesterday: what, just what do I need to do to show that I care about my work? Nothing I do seems to please anyone or go right, unlike some other people who get all the praise (RROster) and all the attention (RF) in the world.
Sheesh, I'm just glad that I'm just a few days away from parole.
Did anyone note the Linkin Park plagiarism?
20:03
Thursday, May 09, 2002
currently listening to: Charles Ives They are there!, chorus and orchestra, 1942
Studying with Moose for our mus his final on Friday. Yes FRIDAY. Ever since our last test -- actually, ever since he gave us THREE WEEKS to write our papers -- I have not wanted to work for this class. But I must study, because in order for Moose to pass I have to drill this stuff in his head. God, how I'm sick of this school.
I asked a fellow comp student if da bitch gave out evaluation forms, and it turns out she did, but didn't tell me about it. Now is that poor conduct as prof or what? This really pisses me off. it's as if she's totally neglecting me just because we've had this run-in. I'm still your student, you idiot.
I am going to speak to Mauro tomorrow. I can't take it anymore.
Anyway: due to the music history test, I might not be updating until Fri is over. Tomorrow is just going to be hell.
00:33
Tuesday, May 07, 2002
Studying music history is so much fun.
That's why I'm posting. It's just that much fun.
Shoes's video was pretty cool. He titled it "Looking Asian" with some subtitle that I couldn't read. I was interested partially because I wanted to know who else he interviewed, those people being: my alchoholic, new nicotine fiend friend HCS; Joe, another pretty good friend; and these 2 girls that I don't know. One is a freshman, the other a senior. Of course, it was awkward watching myself on video; but it was also cool to recall what I said to him during the interview about my experiences here as an Asian-American and about Asianness at this school. What was really neat was that I said that with us AAs there's a paradox: we're all different because we have different cultural heritages, but then we're similar simply because we have these heritages. And the others echoed it. One of the interviewed is a half-breed (that sounds terrible, I know, but I only mean it lightly) and so that person brought a great angle to the project. We all also talked about stereotypes, the "Where're you really from?" question, the attempt at creating support groups... all very neat. It was definitely neat for me, the anti-DCer who gives no crap about this school whatsoever, to note that the conversations Shoes had with other interviewees had these melancholy undertones, as if the interviewees were asking themselves, "Why did I choose to be here?" Ah, it was great.
The prof of the class was very nice to me. I guess that might be because I showed a really strong interest in seeing Shoes' video. (One of the girls interviewed showed up but then left since it was going to be shown an hour later than planned.)
But even better: they had tons of food left over from their session and the prof gave her bag to me. I know somebody's going to be happy studying music history with me soon. That is, if I actually decide to share my new-found munchie wealth.
In other happy happy news: my amazon marketplace pre-order has finally been filled!!!!! Guys, support this store because if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be getting this fine collection of Colin McPhee pieces. You all might recall Tabuh-Tabuhan; that's the most well-known of McPhee. I fell in love with Balinese Ceremonial Music while watching a semi-biographical video on McPhee for seminar, and Concerto for Piano and Wind Octette definitely ain't bad either. And if anything, I really respect McPhee and bond with him cuz he did what I would love to do: travel to foreign places and attempt to preserve and record indigenous musics. If there's any reason to be jealous of Patrick, this would be it: he might go to Bali and study there in the near future. DAMN HIM.
Back to Varese and Hyperion.
22:19
Presenting: the 401 Presentations
Ah, yes.
The dreaded day has come.
Yes, today was the day we brave music senior seminar souls dirged our way into Oak Row for our final battle against the Faculty.
And yes, it was a battle hard fought... but a battle won, hopefully, in the end (it doesn't even matter).
The original line-up was alphabetical order, but Scott went first since his presentation was technically more complicated. Scott's talk was mainly based on the infamous Dies irae chant tune and its presence in the music of Jurassic Park -- see, music CAN be cool! -- but he also talked about some Saint-Saens and music from other John Williams films. Scott was pretty secure in his presentation; we were all nervous, but he seemed very coherent (although frankly not very provocative... everything you can imagine about the Dies irae pretty much has been said already). I didn't quite understand how Saint-Saens seemed to fit in it all; maybe he wanted to say that John Williams uses the Saint-Saens version of the chant melody in JP, but I don't remember him saying that.
Next came Ross, who was "constructing a musical rhetoric of AIDS imagery and rememberance" while focusing on John Corigliano's First Symphony. I told him that what he was trying to do seemed too much for an undergrad, but his effort was definitely appreciated. I think it would be better if he spent this paper solely on Corigliano (why did Corigliano choose this melody to represent this friend or that friend? Why these instruments? Speculation is always fun) and worked on the creation of an AIDS music discourse in grad school. But that's just me.
Now. Patrick. First off, we were worried about Patrick because he usually shows up late -- but usually not a HALF HOUR late. Ross and I noted that he hadn't shown up when we started; I'm sure Scott noticed too, after he calmed down reading his paper. Patrick had a really great topic -- the Beatles and Indian music -- but knowingly it wasn't presented the way Mauro would want it (ie, the AMS way -- just read your paper and don't plan on "lecturing" to your audience). Granted, Mauro is right; searching for words in the middle of a presentation isn't very, well, professional. But you've got to give it to Patrick for attempting to pronounce all those Hindi and Sanskrit terms properly.
And then it was my turn. While watching Ross, I got really nervous, particularly because Ross himself was visibly nervous: he started gesturing, shifting about, speeding through his sentences .... and since Patrick showed up late, I was afraid that i would have to start without getting the time to calm down. I made sure to start off slow and enunciate -- I'm famous for slurring words together when my emotions boil -- and keep it nice and smooth throughout. What I appreciated was how interested some people looked, especially Patrick, the music librarian and the dept secretary. What I didn't appreciate, though, was the fact that Lerner didn't bother to look at my handout. In fact, he kept his gaze on me. Yes, I am in front of you people presenting something and yes, it's nice that you focus your attention on me, but good god, at least PRETEND TO BE HUMAN and shift your gaze somewhere else!!!! And I noticed that da bitch, who teaches both comp and ethnomusicology, brought a notepad with her -- and that didn't receive any attention until I started my presentation.
And then: Lerner asks me if I recognize the melody (the motive I singled out). Of course not, man, that's why I gave it my own name. Oh but nooooooooooooooooo, it actually turns out to be a pre-existing tune, Christe redemptor omnium written by this idiot of a Medieval (I think) composer, Guillaume du Fay. Now how the F*CK am i supposed to look into that AND turn in my final draft by Monday, with the music history final smack between now and then?
At least the presentation's all over now.... one more obstacle overcome! To think that I'll be graduating in less than 2 weeks........................*drool*
Shoes's presenting his ethnography research in an hour. So much to do, so little time...
16:56
Monday, May 06, 2002
A lyric that fits somewhat with my life, courtesy of DC:
"Don't follow your art 'cuz it just seems to get in your way."
18:27
"D is for diploma!"
SPECIAL NOTE: If you are reading this, you are BOUND ON YOUR HONOR (haha) to keep this CONFIDENTIAL.
So.
Finally, the issue has been "resolved".
Basically, what happened is that I sent da bitch an email last night saying that "I was sorry that these issues came up" and "I would like to resolve these issues and am willing to meet to talk about them." I did this per the suggestions of the DoS.
And so we met. This afternoon, I stepped into her office, and she let me have it.
I prepared myself for the beating by reminding myself continuously that it doesn't matter anymore.
Throughout the meeting, too, I reminded myself to keep my calm, because I just need to get through it to graduate.
She was somewhat calmer too, actually -- but I felt an animosity coming from her. She herself said that she got the impression from me that I felt that she was being unreasonable, but I just agreed with everything she said. By this time in my career, my self-dignity has been boxed senseless, so I don't care what she said so long as she said it.
She basically wanted to make sure I knew what I did wrong (she likes to put people on guilt trips). I guessed: issues of responsibility, the "you're my project advisor" stuff.... but what was mostly wrong, from what I gathered from her, is that I "misrepresented" myself.
She told me why she didn't take it up with the Honor Council; she had 2 reasons, stating to them to me out of pity, I guess. I only remember what one of them is.
She also told me that she had gotten wind of the emails I had sent to friends on campus -- emails about leaving campus, about being accused of plagiarism -- but worse yet, she told me that she learned of those emails as early as THE NIGHT I SENT THEM. And not just her: THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT KNEW ABOUT IT THAT NIGHT. The only person to have spread the news of the email: ROSS. It must have been him, since he called his advisor as soon as he got the email. I am definitely not blaming Ross for this-- he was worried, so naturally he would call his advisor (and not think to keep this confidential?) and of course his advisor's going to spread the word. Things have just happened badly ... and she doesn't understand that if a student here hears the words "plagiarism," "intent" and "lying," they're going to get a little antsy and want to notify their friends of the situation. Instead, she herself said that was going to keep it confidential. I meant to do that, but I wanted some support and some knowledge that I had a support base. Everything in this fucking world backfires, doesn't it?
In the end, she told me she was giving me a D for the course. Frankly, I don't care; she could give me an F and I'd still graduate because I don't need the course for my major. Sure, I won't graduate cum laude, and sure, it's sad that I've worked so hard and so long to get to this crap. But at least I'm getting parole and I won't have to walk into those prison cells again.
At this point, I don't give a damn anymore. I've never really had the impression that the department thinks I'm worth anything. Sure, back in the day when she was my advisor, da bitch used to commend me for some things, but I took that to mean that she appreciated me as her advisee. I am uncertain as to whether Mauro likes me or not; I feel as though he does, but at times I'm just not sure if I'm doing things right. As to the Chair, he likes me fine, although I've never given him a reason to like me. I did well in the Concerto class, but that's only because it was a cool course taught by a really great guy. As to the rest of the dept: they're either too spacy or simply too cold.
Have I ever really felt comfortable at this school anyway? I keep wondering why I didn't transfer early in the game; I couldn't have foreseen this, of course, but if I had gone to a different school this most likely wouldn't have happened. I passed a friend today on the way to the library and told her I wasn't proud of graduating and not proud to be associated with this school. That marks the first time I've said that to someone outside of my circle of close friends. I'm being dead serious about how disgruntled I am at this school. I have been through so much here, through so much pain -- and I know that if I had gone to a different school I would be a happier person.
But at least I'm graduating. Maybe not cum laude, but with the hell do 2 Latin words mean? I could think of two other Latin words that would be appropriate at this point:
FUCKUS COLLEGUS.
To update everyone on other things, I'm done revising my paper for the presentation tomorrow. I cut out basically one half of my argument and trimmed it down to just one idea. My paper is a third shorter, but that's good -- I'm confident I can finish everything in the 20-minute time limit. And even if I go over and even if he knocks my grade for it -- does it matter anymore? Really?
Enough. I am tired of this school. After all the beatings I've gotten here, I ought to be taken to an emergency room.
18:15
Sunday, May 05, 2002
People, my seminar paper needs so much work.
SO.
MUCH.
WORK.
I've been printing and reprinting my musical examples; just yesterday I realized that one of them needs to be longer than how I had it (why the fuck didn't I just turn to the next page in the score?), so I ran to the library to get everything recopied. And then last night I find out yet something else. Geez-us.
And I still need to revise, revise, revise. Does anyone know what the fuck the frottola is?
AND... I need to cut it all down to a 20-minute presentation. I'm sorry, but I doubt that's gonna happen. I have a lot to say about this work and I'm going to present all of it, no matter how long it takes. I've worked long and hard on this project, I've uncovered something quite good for an undergrad, and.... you people won't believe this, but--
this piece has become very important to me.
Yes, music can affect us, but this piece does so much more to me. This motive whose usage I'm tracing.... I have a history with it, dating all the way back to sophomore year. It's incredible that I didn't even notice this until this weekend. It's amazing how this stuff that I study has basically become my life.
I can't go any further into it (again, are you gonna write my official biography?), but it's incredible. Truly incredible.
I had my interview with Shuhei earlier today -- or rather, Shuhei had his interview with me. Shoes's doing an ethnography project about Asian-Americans at this school. Trust me, I could've been a lot more negative, but I had to keep it tame since he's showing the video as part of his presentation. That was a good conversation that we had; after 4 years of being at this school together, we've had very different experiences ... and yet they're also similar experiences.
I am being sooooooooooo deep today.
Anyway... must return to seminar paper. Presentations are TUESDAY.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh
19:20
Saturday, May 04, 2002
Okay... now that I've eaten, I feel a bit better.
I've been working on my seminar paper for most of the day, but I got a surprise visit from HCS today. I've forgotten that he's started smoking -- that along with his drinking habits.... people, if you haven't made it to college yet, let HCS be a lesson to you.
Don't take any shit from the college you go to.
Especially if you go to DC.
Speaking of DC: I'm thinking about changing the name of this blog to "Dissension Central." Catchy, ain't it? And the irony of those initials...
I just learned of this, Elvisette-- why didn't you tell me about this earlier? Yet another thing to harass you about, O STD Weenie Queene. :)
20:36
Friday, May 03, 2002
GOD, WHY AM I SO PATHETIC????
19:34
Let's see.....
I was woken up by someone who wanted to speak to "Talbot"... time being 858 am.
Last night, Biskit called me right after I started drifitng asleep, around 4.
People, I am feeling pretty darn tired right now.
At least I got the ProFUCKIT paper turned in. I actually sent the prof FIVE copies of the durn thing -- kept noticing new things that I wanted to add to my paper. But he didn't seem to mind. I made sure to change the name of the Word document from "Profuckit" to the more appropriate "Prokofiev" before I sent it to him via email.
I spoke with the DoS today again. It feels so good to know that there's somebody I can bitch to (besides my friends, of course)... I told her that I was worried that the comp prof (henceforth known as da bitch) might fail me, and she suggested I write an email to da bitch. But she advised me to be conciliatory: I ought to recognize that da bitch was under a lot of stress to get the event (ie, the recital) together, so I should note that and be considerate. I'll try, woman, but I don't know what'll happen if da bitch blows off my email like she did my program notes.
God, how I hate potlucks. I don't wanna show up because I don't have anything to bring, and if I go to the store to get something I don't know what to get. I guess beer is always an option, huh?
One week.... one week and it'll be all over....................
*grin*
17:03
Thursday, May 02, 2002
ProFUCKIT ProFUCKIT ProFUCKITFUCKITFUCKIT.
I can't stand writing papers this late in the semester (and this late in the college career). Why couldn't he just have dropped this last assignment? Honestly, after waiting 2 months for our grades on the previous essays....
If you can't tell, the Prokofiev paper is coming very slowly. Only 3 pages, but still, so painful to write.
Today was an interesting day in the Cunningham Fine Arts building copy room: I came by to copy my composition, RF was trying to put some final touches on his musical examples for his Barber paper . . . and then there's Mauro, copying literally thousands of sheets of paper. (Somebody's preparing for a consortium, apparently.) What was really funny was that I was standing at the xerox machine, centering my score on the glass, when none other than the comp prof herself runs over to copy something. When she sees me, she doesn't even stop; she turns around mid-stride and heads straight back to her office. I didn't need to look up to know it was her -- I could tell just by the quiet, effeminate shuffling of her feet (she's the only female in the department).
In the eyes of LR, this shows that she knows that she's wrong -- as the prof, she's the one with all the power; she shouldn't be the one to shy away. But if she doesn't even have the balls to talk to me.... something's up.
My meeting with the DoS was cancelled today, because the poor D (in this case, the letter stands for Dean) was sick. Hopefully she'll be better by tomorrow afternoon, for which my meeting has been rescheduled. :)
I'd like to check out the Patmos Quartet -- they're an Eastern European folk ensemble -- but do I really have the time to walk away from my computer? Maybe I should tell myself to ProFUCKIT.
21:14
Wednesday, May 01, 2002
I wasn't planning on posting today, as I have a shitload to worry about (the seminar paper, the proFUCKIT paper), but something just came up.
See, I had put a tag on my email to da bitch, which contained the program notes for the recital (and which eventually were not even in the program notes).
Microsoft Outlook just returned the email as UNREAD.
In other words, she did not even bother to open the email and read my revisions.
things just got a lot juicier... I've got a lot to talk about with the DoS tomorrow.
oh yes, and it's so good to have allies in the department. more on that development later... I'm just too excited about this "your message was deleted" notification.
22:24
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